I have not written in a while. I always feel that I need some specific topic to write about, but this time I'm just going to mush a bunch of stuff into one post.
I'm seriously looking for a job again. I left my job of 7 years so that I could have a place to pray and feel comfortable wearing hijab. I kind of took the first thing that came along, that was not only a huge pay cut, but turns out not to be what I wanted. Its not that bad here I guess, but they have no appreciation for what people do for them (salaried working 65-70 hours a week sometimes). On top of that when I was out for a few days with my sick special needs child they gave me a really hard time! So I'm on the hunt for something better. I had an interview yesterday that went well. Inshallah they will call me back next week and something will come of it.
This past weekend I went to Vermont to visit my mum. I've been trying to go up there every month or so, to keep up with things. Since my dad died, I just want to be sure she is ok and not getting taken advantage of. There are only so many things you can do over the phone. Its a 200 mile drive that I do alone, and I know I shouldn't, but the circumstances make it difficult for Ian and Brian to come with me. Anyway, we had a nice time, did a little bit of shopping, played card games, watched silly things on TV... good stuff! We always end up talking about Dad, and always end up shedding tears but its good for both of us in a way. My mom gave me a picture of me and my dad from when I was about 16 years old (acid washed jeans! yuck!) and the way my dad was looking at me made me remember all of the good things in him... I need to start to do that, and let go of the bad stuff that has been nagging at me.
This leads to my next topic. A while ago I wrote about a man that I work with. He is very difficult to deal with and is always on my case. Anyway, just a few weeks ago he struck again. He was very rude to me about something and it effected me in ways that it should not have. I am always reminded of my father, and his alcoholic tendencies when this guy talks to me. The reason why it upsets me so much is that he reminds me of the bad things about my father. And then in turn I feel bad for thinking of him that way. Dad is gone, dead. I'll never see him again, and when this man talks to me like that all I can think of is how much fear I had of my father.
The one thing through all of these things that keeps me strong is Islam. I constantly make dua for guidence and forgiveness. I can't imagine what it would be like without it.